And a song I was writing is left undone
I don’t know why I spend my time
Writing songs I can’t believe
With words that tear and strain to rhyme
- Kathy’s Song, Paul Simon
We are in the days of awe, the time between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur where Jewish people atone for their wrongdoings of the past year and ask for forgiveness. It is a time of reflection and repentance. The Hebrew word I learned to describe this practice is “Teshuvah.” In April I left my full-time job and the last six months have been a transitionary period in my personal and professional life. During this time I’ve had space to reconnect with friends, to reflect, and to think about this blog and the things I’ve written over the last year.
When I started this blog back in 2022, it was meant to be a place for me to share updates about my life. I started this blog after my Safta (Grandmother) passed away and used this space to write about my Jewish identity and remembrance of my Safta. However, pretty quickly the blog began to turn political and I used the platform to process current events and to share my perspective. In the last year, this blog has been almost exclusively focused on the ongoing war in Israel, Gaza, and the Middle East. As the events of the last year unfolded I came to this substack to process my anger and despair as I felt powerless to do anything about the situation. It was familiar to write provocative and at times cathartic posts weaving together different streams of thought to share what felt like a unique perspective or perhaps a “hot take.” I used to do this on facebook and would spend days or weeks engaged in the comments section trying to influence my facebook “friends” to change their minds on a given issue. In reflection, I did the same thing here. I spent the last year trying to use this blog as a place to process events, but also to agitate and provoke. I slipped back into a way of being from some years ago where I imagined myself as a great thought leader shaping the perspectives of all 100 subscribers on my blog.
In reflection, I am not sure what the blog contributed to the greater ecosystem of thoughts and ideas on the war in the middle east. I am not so sure I offered anything unique, or if my writings moved the needle in any direction on the issue. What did happen through writing was I came into conflict with friends and family members whom at times I called out publicly on my blog. I am not sure if writing this blog did much to achieve peace and justice in our time, but I do know that it strained some of my most valuable relationships in my life.
I did have moments of great satisfaction in changing minds and wrestling with issues of our time. Those moments didn’t happen in a blog post, but rather in-person in a training room with brilliant, scared, passionate organizers across Pennsylvania. It did not happen in the comment section, but it did happen in 1-1 conversations with friends and with people who I mentored in the progressive movement this year. These moments were recipocal, I changed minds and in turn my mind was changed. The world I want to build lives outside the blog and in the people and the communities I hold dear. I look back on the things I wrote this year with grace for myself, but as I look to the year ahead I am certain this is not the way I want to live into my values in the coming year 5785.
And so it seems I’ve come to doubt
All I once held as true
I stand alone without beliefs
The only truth I know is you
And so I am changing, and am glad to be in a time of becoming. In moments of becoming it sometimes feels scary like I am losing myself. As I look to the future in my personal and professional life I am taking stock of who I want to be and what I care about in this world. Here is what I got so far…
In 5785 I want to be a good friend, a loving family member, and an active member of my community. I want to be reliable, caring, understanding, and steadfast in my commitments to the people in my life. I want to be a contributor to my community and a humble samaritan who seeks to do good deeds in a weary world. I want to be good, but not great. I want to be a part of something bigger than myself, but I do not seek to be some kind of great leader of society. I want to play music and sing together as much as possible. I want to know that I am not the person I was 10 years ago, and I am not done becoming the person I will be 10 years from now.
I still have strongly held values and beliefs. I believe in being wrong, and that often I am wrong. I believe being wrong offers an opportunity for learning and redemption. I believe in forgiveness, in sincerity, and in transformation. I believe that countries should care for the people in them through providing high quality healthcare, education, labor standards, housing, clean air, and clean water. I believe that people should be free to pursue their dreams and be obligated through collective contributions to support the well-being of the society. I believe in personal liberty and I also believe in communal responsibility. I believe in the pursuit of happiness, but not at the cost of destroying communities or the planet. I believe in life, and the right to choose how and when we bring new life into this world.
I believe in democracy, freedom, safety, and pluralism. I want to live in a society where people can disagree and still live together. I want to live in a world that uses non-violent means to sort out which ideas will win the day. I believe in changing your mind. I believe in peace and I also believe in the right for people to defend themselves. I don’t want Israel to be a theocracy or a society that values some citizens over others. I want a free Palestine to be a secular democracy where Palestinians can thrive and Jews can live safely as a minority group. I see Israel as a flawed nation-state, much like America, but I do not want America or Israel to be destroyed. I have hope for a shared future of peace, justice, and reconciliation; but I am unsure about how to get there abroad and at home. I recognize that sometimes my values and beliefs are in tension with eachother and as humans we live in the tension of competing values and contradictory beliefs.
And as I watch the drops of rain
Weave their weary paths and die
I know that I am like the rain
There but for the grace of you go I
I am not sure any of this is interesting to read, but for me writing this is a commitment to turning the page. It means this blog may become inactive, or return to its original purpose of personal life updates and sharing music. It means if you want to reach me it will be in our private messages, around campfires, or over a cup of coffee. (or perhaps something more leafy)
We live in a scary time, and I know that if the time comes to resist authoritarianism here at home I will be out there in the streets with you fighting for our future. I won’t be here writing about it, but you’ll know where to find me.
Wishing you all time for reflection and for a sweet new year that brings peace, justice, safety, and hope.
Shana Tovah
P.S. here are some of my favorite versions of Kathy’s Song by Paul Simon.
I’m a fan of constantly reevaluating myself and my impact on the future. I’m a fan of peace, love, and safety for all people. I’ll always be around for coffee or whatever. Am I just a fool for believing in the power of love?